spilt milk

2002-12-30T21:25:00.000-05:00

i had no time to breathe today. what with cleaning and other stuff...im really hoping i can blog properly today cuz im not sure when ill next be able to...

my aunt and uncle and their 2 kids are flying into town today (well technically theyre already here, just not @ my house yet)...tomorrow nite my aunt and uncle from new york are flying in...my house is going to be LOUD! theyre all here for the wedding...

my daddy put up lites outside the house last nite as a celebration for the wedding...he put them up after christmas so it wouldnt seem like we were celebrating it...

ive started biting my lip again. i dunno why it is that @ a time when i need to be losing my bad habits, im regaining them.

im very nervous about so many things and i guess it's just best that im so busy. i cant think about it and the time passes by and hopefully later ill realize there was nothing to be nervous about in the first place.

i just burnt my hand...i was ironing and the iron fell on it. it was there for a split second, but it was really hot and im afraid it may leave a mark. normally i wouldnt care, but normally my hands arent on display for the whole world to see. o well, even if it does leave a mark, hopefully the mehndi will cover it. it was really funny though when my mom told my aunt and she said "hai Allah".

im debating on whether or whether not to invite this one girl to the wedding. shes been very rude to me the last few times weve met and were not exactly close. but i feel really guilty about not inviting her. so i guess im going to go ahead and do it...ill have to talk to my mom about it first.

apparently my fiance is planning some pranks for the wedding and the mehndi...i need to think up some counter pranks, but my mind @ this moment is absolutely blank...all i can think about is the warm feeling of my bed and the way my head feels against the pillow...and seeing as how i havent seen my aunt for 5 yrs, i prolly wont be able to go to sleep till late tonite. and he still hasnt emailed me! watch him and me have a fite on friday...

my friends are great. im very lucky to have them. every time we talk we have so much fun and its great that im so close to them that i can tell them anything...theyve given me some great memories and ive seen pplz who have barely any friends @ all which makes me even more grateful.

i talked to aesha for 2 brief seconds on sat...she seems very happy alhamdulillah. she deserves it. may Allah give her all the happiness and love in the world. Ameen. - i just hope i get to talk to her before the wedding, inshallah. i have yet to send her the letter i wrote...im pretty lazy when it comes to correspondence...but inshallah ill keep in touch with all u alls *grin*.

ok, i think that pretty much covers my life story. im done blabbing and they arent even here yet. how kewlest!

2002-12-24T13:47:00.000-05:00

so im learning goodish habits. actually im forcefeeding them to myself but its about time i learnt these habits.

and ive learnt to hide the way i really am too. im not saying to be hypocritical, im saying im learning that being myself isnt such a good thing and its about time i was someone else. and since i cant change myself, i mite as well change the way i appear to be. the childishness has to got to go. in with maturity and chic.

so im learning to sit demurely (the whole legs crossed, back straight, yada yada yada)...no more sprawled over the couch, cooking, cleaning, driving, & giving importance to things that dont mean much except in worldly eyes...

i feel sick inside. none of it was supposed to be this way. but it is. and i cant change it. so i may as well change myself and take the rest of the trials with my back straight, legs crossed...apparently it doesnt hit as hard then.

2002-12-22T12:44:00.000-05:00

this girl i know called me last nite and told me she was getting a divorce from her husband. im very very grateful to her for doing that, because as she knows its about 2 weeks to my wedding and now im freaked out beyond belief.

why would anyone do that? call me at this point in my life and dis her husband and talk about what a horrible person he is...so thanx for that gurl. really, thanx.

2002-12-19T14:11:00.000-05:00

i need to get over myself and open my eyes and see whats really important. forget the petty issues, leave behind the paltry substances and pay attention to what truly requires my thoughts.

so what if someone said something and another said something else? just because they said it doesnt make it true rite? so it wasnt justified. not much in this world is. let them talk. the second i listen is the second it becomes more than trivial.

the only reason i cant get over it is my pride. and what is pride? a fading, fleeting object. i havent created the world. i have no rite, no reason to be proud. i need to get over myself. theres no way im going to become the person or the Muslim i wanna be if i cant get over this.

so forgive and forget. move on. it didnt happen. and if it did, use it as a learning experience, not a stepping stone to world war 3. thats what i need. i need to learn to forget. i need to learn to forgive. ive made a dozen billion mistakes and done things a thousand times worse (not neccessarily to the pplz in qs, but what difference does that make)?
its been forgiven, its been forgotten. now why cant i do the same?

2002-12-18T11:36:00.000-05:00

so none of what was supposed to be is or will. so it isnt the way i planned it. so all i wanted there wont be. big deal. it doesnt make a difference. i dont care. i really really really dont.

really.

2002-12-17T19:55:00.000-05:00

i lost a great friend recently. i have no idea what im going to do now. theres no replacement for a jawclip like that.
but alas
ashes to ashes,
dust to dust.
we bury only
the upper crust.
may Allah find you peace and happiness, little one. Ameen.

i cant believe what i learned today. i feel so sick just thinking about it. and its just so horrible to realize that that very easily could have been ME. its amazing what blessings u r given even when they seems like such trials.

theres such a void surrounding me these days. and it just seems to be getting bigger and bigger. im not sure where i am or where i belong, even amongst friends. this is the time when they should be here constantly and yet...the dramatic hanging up in my face is getting old. fast. but to quoth the raven, im leaving, so what difference does it make?

it hurts knowing that im leaving my family, my home and my friends and everything ive ever known. i was living in an ice cube for so long i never paid attention and now thats its melting...God it hurts. its hurts so bad.

thank God for aesha though. i dont know what id do without her. expecially as the blanks just seems to grow wider and wider sucking me within.

2002-12-13T19:44:00.000-05:00

Are you British?

this quiz was made by Erin

2002-12-13T19:29:00.000-05:00

omg! only 3 weeks left...i have no idea what im going to do.

ive still got to learn to cook, drive, shed my immaturity and figure out how to look good.

newayz...so like everyones invited to the wedding of course *grins*

oh and for future reference, i kinda sorta really like my guy. *wink*

2002-12-11T21:31:00.000-05:00

the area around my nose is red from wiping with a tissue...'a nose in need deserves puffs indeed' my foot! (always wanted to say that)...i need a miracle.

and anybody know how to clear up blemishes pronto? i got one rite next to my nose and its quite prominent...

2002-12-10T20:29:00.000-05:00

im sick :(

2002-12-07T20:30:00.000-05:00

so eids over...*sigh*...i love love eid and this eid was so much fun. there was none of that overly boring fastidious stuff. it was just a bunch of small parties with close friends where we all went so so crazie.
every eid should be like this one, but unfortunately none will be.

i got great eid presents mashallah from everyone (thanx all!). and i have to go to another party type thing now but unfortunately thats another one of those overly fastidious things i mentioned above and im afrain im going to be bored out of mind. but maybe ill meet someone kewl inshallah *ameen*.

2002-12-04T14:41:00.000-05:00

last nite completely brought back the feeling of ramadhan.
this whole month ive been feeling bad because the spirit of ramadhan wasnt there, but yesterday...*sighs* that was great.

i met sal, finally! there was an eid bazaar type of thing and folks were putting on mehndi and we just messed around so much.

then, during dinner, afshan and sal decided to make me mad and so went on and on talking to some auntis about my upcoming nuptials...so of course they went on and on and felt it their duty to inform me that i was too young to get married or that arranged marriages are sooooooo out of the ordinary in their cultures...so thanx sal and afshan! cant wait till ur time comes.

ai! folks are online and they wont IM me...not like i am anyone to them anyways...

but tomorrows eid inshallah! EID MUBARAK a dozen times over and over to all u all! may this eid be amazing, may u get tons of money and look amazing!

i cant wait *grins*

2002-12-03T14:13:00.000-05:00

i talked to aesha on the fone yesterday! she called me and we talked then i 3-wayed afshan and we talked some more. she is one of the kewlest ppl i know online (present company excluded of course) and me and her getting married around the same time! shes older so shes going first, then shes going to gimme my talk and im going to get married...how weird!

ive been getting closer to bushra, who i met online...its really kewl the similarities her and i share...we both love w.s. maugham and boyzone (for thos of u that r going huh? see what i mean???) and harry potter! she also happens to go to the same school as my cousin, but they havent met yet sadly...AND she lives in my birthplace, so inshallah we should be meeting the next time i go for a visit! (bushra, insert things to do here------------->_______________<------------------)

newayz so inshallah ill be seeing sal @ the masjid khatamul quran today! i cant wait..i havent seen her in sooo soo long.'

ive just realized that this entry is becoming and ad for my my friends' blogs...so for those of u who are interested theres a bloggers unite section to ur right (or left). *winks*

so ramadhan is almost over...and eid is coming...i wonder where all of us will be this time next year...

remember me in ur prayers...

2002-12-02T13:09:00.000-05:00

i just got dissed. big time. apparently my fiance is CUTE! and im just u know....there.

so for all the world whose reading this....i am BETTER LOOKING than he is. ok?

2002-11-28T12:20:00.000-05:00

i realized last nite why i love my 2 of my best friends, hira and mina. theyve never been judgemental towards me, never brought up anything ive ever done and never ever mind when im being an absolute...(u know)...

so this entry is dedicated for them being them and for putting up with me. thanx u guys !!!

2002-11-27T19:27:00.000-05:00

today was one of those days...full of regrets and etched with remorse. so on days like these, i reminisce about the same old and try to figure out what exactly i should have done differently so as not to be in this mess.

it bugs me when i realize that one of my best friends is the last person i would go to for help and that my soul consolation is that life doesnt last forever.

but whats done is done. i will not let my regrets show and i want no pity. my chains are my ornaments; my bars my home.

2002-11-25T19:53:00.000-05:00

my internet isnt working yet again...so im currently on dial-up messing around here and there and talking to folks, which is quite amusing if you talk to the rite folks...

im wondering where aesha is...i havent talked to that girl in two days and with her thats scary...cuz u never know...she mite even be married now...well thats ok if she does i guess...she better not leave for hajj without talkin to me!

i tried to talking to my cousins today, but of course my internet screwed things up so i couldnt really talk to them, unfortunately...

this stupid entry is becoming a list of things ive done today and i swore my blog would never become one of those blogs that listed days events...but alas! thats what its become. so ill shut up now...

2002-11-22T20:34:00.000-05:00

i wanted to write something in my blog rite now, but im not wuite sure what to write...so i think this is going to be one of those blabfests...that just drones on and on. so if u dont read this, i doubt ull miss anything important.

its funny how u want sumthing to happen so bad and when u wait for it to happen, it never does and the second u stop thinking about it, it happens...so of course ur not prepared and arent preparing knowledgable things to say and end up sounding like an idiot.

im finally learning how to drive...@ the age of 17...i freaked out yesterday and im like to my dad, "daddy its moving!" but he was nice and didnt say anything to me...it must be hard on him to realize that his fave daughter is partially insane...

i feel ickish & almost didnt feel like having dinner and then i realized it was biryani...i have no sorrows biryani can not cure *grins*

2002-11-21T20:31:00.000-05:00

today was fun @ the masjid...just sitting and talking and playin with the babies...my aunt is so cool! extremely nice and understanding in every way. inshallah i want to be just that type of person...*tries to get over meanness streak*

i finished reading The Catcher In the Rye...i dont think i got the point of it...and The Sun Also Rises just flew over my head...

could someone plz explain the points of those books to me?

2002-11-20T20:32:00.000-05:00

so its final...im getting married in early january...how wierd is that? ME? a married woman? someones wife type? whoa!

newayz...so i was really scared about, but turns out aesha is getting married BEFORE me, so she offered to gimme my talk...and she better or else!

afshan and i have loads planned...and inshallah well accomplish all of that...im soooo excited...but nervous and sad at the thought of leaving everyone i love...inshallah it will all work out for the best and plz all u guys remember me in ur prayers...i lub u all!

2002-11-17T11:07:00.000-05:00

i mite get married earlier than planned.

im not sure if thats a bad thing or a good thing. ive realized im not dreading the whole thing anymore. does that mean i should be dreading it?

2002-11-16T13:14:00.000-05:00

What Obscure Animal are you?

2002-11-16T13:10:00.000-05:00

Wishing on a dream that seems far off
Hoping it will come today
Into the starlit night
Foolish dreamers turn their gaze
Waiting on a shooting star
But
What if that star is not to come?
Will their dreams fade to nothing?
When the horizon darkens most
We all need to believe there is hope
Is an angel watching closely over me?
Can there be a guiding light I've yet to see?
I know my heart should guide me but
Theres a hole within my sole
What will fill this emptiness inside of me?
Am i to be satisfied without knowing?
I wish then for a chance to see
Now all i need (desperately)
Is my star to come...

2002-11-15T18:09:00.000-05:00

i was messin around, reading blogs and i found that there was a such thing as this. it looks exactly like my site, but u have to read it...

so today was aight, i guess. i realize now that i have so many fears about the days to come. i view my life as lasting a few more months and after that i view nothing...emptiness...

im not sure why that is. i know who im going to marry. i know what hes like. i know his family. is that why im scared?

i just need to keep reminding myself that i DID do istikhara and my parents love him. so theres nothing to worry about. technically...

2002-11-14T21:16:00.000-05:00

today was great :)

my cousin had a son, but hes not doing too well... pray for him plz.

everythings fine alhamdulillah.
remember me in ur prayers.

2002-11-12T13:55:00.000-05:00

ai. so newayz, ramadan is going by so fast! kinda like a whooooooooosh! and im a little stunned.

this ramadan isnt turning out to be as fun as the last one was. last ramadan was great! the masjid thing...running around...serving food...complaining bout auntis...observing different thing *ahem*...thats what ramadan should be about! i just hope the 27th nite is really fun and that eid is EID!

so thanksgiving is coming up. that means absolutely nothing to me, as i dont celebrate it. what does mean sumthing to me is the day after thanksgiving that holds all meaning...sales galore.

ok i feel very shallow at this point. ramadan is not about sales and fun and being bad. its about being good, trying to get rid of all ur bad habits. so far this is how far ive come with my resolutions:

no backbiting- im trying. im stopping a lot of the time, but sometimes its out before i realize it. i need to get rid of that bit.
no music- only listened to music when i was on the fone with tech support. so it doesnt really count newayz...*i hope*
no tv- accomplishing that
being a nicer person we all have one failing, rite?
following deen (religion)- im not doing this that well! its ramadan and ive accomplished nothing. i seriously need to get off my rantings about fun and shopping and go do something good!

*breaks out quran and prayer rug and leaves*

2002-11-11T19:42:00.000-05:00

for all those of u who dont know what today is, raise ur hands and meet me outside so we can form a club.

for all those of u who are smart alecs, and said sumthing along the lines of veterans day, the 11th and/or monday, keep ur arms lowered but meet us outside and join the club.

for all those of u who do know what today is, sit back and gloat.

today apparently is the first month anniversay of my engagement. (accordingly there is a such thing). i didnt know that. but my fiance did and he sent me this gorgoeus bouquet of flowers.

hmph. why dont pplz warn me about these days? o well, i guess one of us remembered,

2002-11-10T11:21:00.000-05:00

im going through my mid-post pre marital crisis.

u know the time where it hits that u dont want to get married.

that u DO want to go to college and that u DO want to have a life and a career and that frankly, u DO NOT give a damn about why getting married early is a good thing.

that said, i still have no i dea what my wedding dress is going to look like.

2002-11-07T13:31:00.000-05:00

i couldnt read my comments so i got maddish, rate your music and i finally got to read them...so apparently im still trying to figure out how to reply...

man!

i guess theres always my tagboard though.

2002-11-05T19:38:00.000-05:00

just wanted to tell all u all ramadan mubarak! i loooooooove ramadan!

so here are my resolutions for ramadan:
-no backbiting
-no music *bites nails*
-no tv
-be a nicer person
-follow deen!

ok and i still have eid stuff to do. buy presents, and thats pretty much it but i love pretending i have lots left to do. it makes me feel organized and purposeful. *grins*
ramadan always leaves me giddy.

remember me in ur prayers. (u guys are already there *smile*)

2002-11-04T17:19:00.000-05:00

holes in my world

i had my nose pierced yesterday. it hurts insanely and doesnt look too good.

things havent happened the way i wanted them to. none of my ambitions are, can or will be. its sad really. the way one always wants what one cant have.

i suppose its for the best though.

2002-10-31T20:40:00.000-05:00

u cant blame things on other ppl that r ur own fault. and let ur imagination run loose is one of ur own. i cant predict the future. i cant judge ppl in such a short period of time. i want to be a good person.

and i want to be a good friend.

and i want to thank someone that i always bug with my problems and always gives me the best advice. thanx, aesha! ur the best. no matter what u say :).

2002-10-30T13:40:00.000-05:00

swimming in shallow thoughts

so i finally, finally got the email. and of course now i wont come on every other second to check my email, because this person prolly wont email me till i email them back...newayz useless post. but i dont know what to email back! everything has been talked about till death and BORE me.

so on a lighter note, my dad bought a digital camera and it finally came in the mail yesterday. its sooooo cool! and so much fun to use. im definitely taking a whole bunch of pics and posting them on my site...yes, the one ive been trying to build for the past 2 yrs and as of yet has only an *under construction* button.

newayz i went to the mall yesterday and got makeup! i havent bought real makeup in eternity and it feels so good. im now officially on a spending binge and am comparing makeup and perfume reviews and am actually debating on what to get.

for lighter reading, yes, the greenhouse effect is still going strong, AIDS is still widespread and i shouldnt be shallow. but shallowness is just as strong and widespread as anything else. so there.

2002-10-28T14:02:00.000-05:00

im waiting for some loser to hurry up and email me! i wish this loser would hurry up!

AND i finished my sub :(

why the hell wont this person email me?!?!

2002-10-26T20:02:00.000-04:00

we need more pplz like this in the world so they can write us articles like this and cheer us up.

Cosmetics Without Guilt
By JENNIFER STEINHAUER

CLINICALLY examined, my situation was a disaster waiting to happen to my American Express card. I had just finished a bad week at work, I had a half-hour to kill and I was less than a block away from Jeffrey.

But after a 45-second assessment of the sale rack — that is, assessing that there wasn't one — I was pretty much in the clear. Preschool tuition and a mortgage keep me from even contemplating full-price Jil Sander suits or springing for a Mombasa bag that is disposed of after one season.

But then I walked past the cosmetics counter. Glittering tubes of lipsticks beckoned like Circe from their scrubbed-glass display case. Porcelain jars of eye creams promised overnight tranformations. Even the nail polish seduced. "Test me!" the products called out. "Buy me!"

Then I spotted Chantecaille, a line of products I had never met. The makeup compact, encasing colors like Dune, Cashew and Bamboo, was sexy matte aluminum, as minimal as a Helmut Lang suit. The eye shadow could be applied wet or dry.

I was like a small child who had not eaten dinner being presented with a cannoli cart. A saleswoman ignored me — usually enough to drive me out of any store — but I waved frantically, and soon she was applying a lipstick called Quasar to my mouth. A colleague demonstrated how a tiny pot of blush could be used as eye shadow.

After four minutes, I was buying both, never having asked about price (Would Paris Hilton?) and nonchalantly handing over my charge card. (They were $21 each, but the lipstick comes in a tiny black drawstring sack. How amazing is that?)

As indulgences go, makeup gives me little guilt. It is an infinitely less expensive habit than shoes, jewels or evening dresses. So what if it turns out that coral nail polish — recommended by Jin Soon Choi, who is to nails what Frédéric Fekkai is to hair — makes you look too West Palm once it's in your medicine cabinet. You pass it to any friend who will take it. Unlike tired Seven jeans, size is not an issue.

Pink eye shadow did not translate off the runway? Pitch it! Did it set you back nearly as much as that peasant blouse you decided to buy for $110 at Scoop rather than for $25 at some Tibetan boutique?

Here is the best thing: There are health reasons for tossing cosmetics. Anything that goes near your eyes needs to be thrown away after several months or else you risk a horrible infection. (Wouldn't it be convenient if rainbow belts gave us hives?)

Faux pas? I've had a few. Why I let some 20-year-old at the BeneFit counter in Bloomingdale's talk me into a waxy, lemonade-colored cream for the lining of my eyes is inexplicable. And what did I need with Lip Plump, whiteish gloss that plumped nothing and made my mouth look diseased?

I do spend in inordinate amount of time studying cosmetics. While I flip quickly through the fashion pages of magazines, I read the fine print next to every product. Is it all about dark lips? Kohl eyes? Glamour? Natural face? I can easily wile away two hours in Sephora, smelling expensive shampoos, rubbing lip gloss on the inside of my palm, contemplating the relative merits of self-tanners.

At times, I am ordered to repent. I am not the guilty housewife who is admonished by her husband for weekly doses of Ferragamo. But I have been called upon to explain why we need $9 bars of fig-scented soap. Then it is back to Dove for a while.

That is the beauty of beauty. Just as the Reebok gym crowd mixes the Gap with Marc Jacobs, cruising between high and low is acceptable with what is known in the business as H.B.A.: health and beauty aids. I am as enchanted by the new Duane Reade private-label line, Apt. 5, in its cool, clear packages, as I am by anything from Estée Lauder. Show me a makeup artist who does not prefer Maybelline mascara to every other brand, and I will show you someone who has his or her own line to hawk.

In my purse, I have a sheer pink gloss from Apt. 5, my black bag of Chantecaille lipstick, a Versace nail color in brick, pots of lip gloss by Cargo and Agnès B., a tube of Tony & Tina lip color that smells like lavender and makes me happy, a bottle of Target-brand hand sanitizer and a chapstick.

I am still ashamed about the cashmere halter top for which I paid full price at Barneys and never wore. But my lipsticks, hot oil treatments, eyeliners, ginger apricot exfoliators, banana hair masks, purple mascaras and French self-tanners give me just the opposite feeling.

A lipstick will never make you feel duped like a prairie skirt can. And for that my Manhattan-size closet, my credit card bill and my husband are very grateful

2002-10-26T10:16:00.000-04:00

Be who you are, say what you think, people that matter don't care, and people that care don't matter.
-Dr. Seuss

2002-10-25T20:35:00.000-04:00

so i hear some water dripping...freak out because im scared the toilets overflowing...rush into the bathroom...cuss @ myself cuz its really my new fountain !!! *grins like a drunk*

2002-10-25T19:16:00.000-04:00

here fantasy wantasy

ok see theres been a mistake *looks under rug*, because apparently *checks behind books*, when someone prays that u live happily ev-*peeks on top of fridge*-er after, theres actually supposed to be some there *asks mom for help*.

so maybe like the sun, its all on the other side of the world? hmph...no wonder pplz are terrified of the dark.

2002-10-24T19:57:00.000-04:00

fresh air

finally...relief. but another edge like that and theres no way that im not going to fall in.

2002-10-24T19:34:00.000-04:00

u know how in some stories they talk about how pplz have stones in their hearts and are having trouble breathing?

they should write one of those about me.

2002-10-24T09:25:00.000-04:00

heartbroken

i hate that word. heartbroken. it should be a cus word. it really should. u break sumthing and instead of using ur usual dictionary of provoking 4-letter words out comes "heartbroken."

so here goes...i hate u and i cant stop thinking about u. heartbroken! (of course it doesnt relieve my feelings as my list of four letter words would).
so damn. f*** off. i cant take this shit anymore.

2002-10-23T13:30:00.000-04:00

the possibilities of a heart attack

my heartbeat cannot be normal @ this point. i refuse to believe it. panic attacks do not constitute normal heart rates.

i screwed up everything again. how did that happen? there was joking. i shouldnt have opened my big mouth...so technically how bad does a heart attack feel?

2002-10-22T13:13:00.000-04:00

screwed-up-ishness

i burned some on my old pictures and an autograph book dating from the time of noahs ark.

i feel like ive burned my insides, but outwardly it seems there is no difference. it is still cloudy and silent as it was yesterday, but i would rather the wind rip apart the world as i would if i were as free as it.

2002-10-21T12:13:00.000-04:00

according to anne on the surrealist, i am the giggliest "sunny delight" carton....i better add the surrealist to the list of things that make me go lol on islamica.

so i went out for with my family yesterday...twas fun...i want to do it again...

so last nite i went to ambreens valima and i was bored beyond belief. none of the pplz who said they would show up did and i sat there alone carrying on a conversation with my sis which wasnt very fun...and then someone showed up who i really wasnt expecting...nasreen. whoa. man, shes nothing like i expected her to be. she was looking @ me weird though. lol. i guess im safe now. wish for other things though...things that prolly arent going to work out now. man.......

2002-10-19T11:49:00.000-04:00

ok i just got this enormous card from all my in-laws. it sooo cute. i had no idea that the UPS guy was bringing something for me *grins*.

i also got a little card from him. i love it. but u guys cant read it. so there *sticks tongue out*.

2002-10-19T10:31:00.000-04:00

ok so i wake up this morning to the sound of the fone...its my dad talking about some florist or sumthing or the other. luckily, saad was awake enough to understand what he was saying so i went back to sleep.

3 mins later, sadia bursts into my room saying "i think u wanna see this".

i went into the kitchen and there was a vase with roses, ballooons and a cake. it was from my fiance.

God hes so perfect...and it was a total surprise....and im just in shock. for once i get the rite guy! woo hoo!
if hes reading this...thanx so so much. if hes not, thats ok too :).

2002-10-18T14:44:00.000-04:00

oi! my contacts are doing anything for me so im back to my glasses...my wonderfully precious glasses! i missed them...actually im just being dramatic...in a way.

i got in trouble today becuz apparently i shouldnt be telling other pplz things about me. so i guess i have to learn to keep my mouth SHUT! maaaaaaaaaaan...o well *shrugs*

so im done with bridget jones and im trying to move on to my other libraray books but i really dont feel like reading them. theyre stacked in a neat pile next to my bookshelf catching dust. poor folks who wrote those books. they prolly thought they were good writers. poor misconceived them...(is misconceived a word)?

i have to clean my room. i have clothes everywhere...my bed is not really noticeable from the doorway unless u stand at a certain angle and my shoes brought in mud from when it was raining yesterday. and i dont feel like cleaning it up. but i do feel like rediscovering my bed and going back to sleep.

sharon told me to write in my blog more and im doing just that, but apparently my lack of a coherent thought process is keeping me from making this entry sound like one of a sane being. hmph...newayz.

i think im going to go read other pplz USEFUL ranting.

2002-10-16T19:22:00.000-04:00

it hit me like 2 seconds ago that i should be working on my website if i was so desperately bored online (i would have used a more fitting adverb only im trying to cut down on my evil vocabulary). my online routine has now become the following:

-go online
-check email
-gloat that no one can email me because my inbox is full
-check my blog comments
-check my frie nds'blogs
-comment on said blogs
-chat a little
-sign off

ive gotten over my whole rushing to fwd ppl phase and ive even lost interest in message boards. i tried not to, but it didnt work very well. am i going through a mid-life online crisis? i hope not.

newayz so i rented bridget jones's diary(the movie) and im almost done with when my mummy walks into the room and sits down on the couch and watches with me occasionally asking me questions. of course, this isnt a movie u want to watch with ur parents around. so i stop the movie, turn on seinfeld (another something not to watch with ur parents around) and then find i prolly should change the channel. i then realized i could go online and i got bored so im blogging all this in whereupon i realize that i havent made much sense whereas bridget jones got her diary made into a movie. and soo did anne frank. so to imitate both of them...

weight: 115 lbs (but weighing machine has buggered off so slash off 10 lbs) desert units: 3 chocolate pieces: 2 number of times caught yawning while writing this: numerous

maybe i should just stick with the nazis are coming!!! or possibly dress up as a whorish bunny.

2002-10-16T14:28:00.000-04:00

i got my contacts yesterday and i can barely see with them on, so if there are any spelling errors u know what happened.

im over my angerness thank God. it isnt fun being mad.

i wanna see my new baby cousin. she was born on monday and she was born on the same day that her bro was born 2 yrs ago. cool, no? actually it isnt cool. both of them betrayed and were born earlier than my bday whereas i wanted all 3 of us to have the same bday. evil betraying cute adorable babies. mashallah.

so ramamdan is coming up. ai, i have no idea how im going to deal. my last ramadan @ home. and i have this strange intuition ramadan wont be as fun this yr as it was all the past years. but eid had better be great.

my mummy and i were talking and now im friggin scared out of my mind. it isnt fun anymore. now im going to be on my guard every second of the rest of my engagement. so my engagement wont be fun and when have marriages ever been fun? damn, damn, damn. o well, i guess ill just pretend to be thick. but, bollocks man!

i made up with sharon. thank God. i missed her insanely and i was having these strange disturbing thoughts about her still being mad @ on eid and on my wedding. but were friends again! woo hooooo!

life is good again!

2002-10-15T10:22:00.000-04:00

ok lets be honest.
i am beyond pissed off @ someone @ this point.

when have i ever in the past done anything like that that she would accuse me of doing it now? last nite i tried to convince myself to get over it but i dont think so. i dont want her crap if the second i forget to give it back to her she accuses me of stealing it...and ive ALWAYS been the one who gave stuff back promptly. and the one time i forget cuz she was being so difficult...

newayz...

2002-10-14T19:11:00.000-04:00

ai...that reminds me...gotta give back malika her rotis and soda...

2002-10-14T19:10:00.001-04:00

todays party was a total disaster. no one had any fun and im still not sure about the point of the party.

i was kinda pissed off @ aanal. screw the reason why. u can come to my house, take advantage of my stuff, ruin my memories and still do that? that takes guts. fortunately guts i dont have.

he called during the party. im glad. at least something went rite during the day. i feel bad about talking to him during the party, but its not like others havent put their significant others before their friends. and then the one time i have to....

i am sooo glad nadia came today. i wanted her there more than anything and she is one of my cooler friends...not like kylie and madiha, who only take advantage of me and then get pissed off if theyre not able to once...ok this is a complete rant...

so the good things of today:
-talked to furqan
-salcame over and i saw her FINALLY!
-i realized the truth about somethings...

2002-10-14T19:10:00.000-04:00

i had a lot of fun friday, saturday and sunday. im so glad that everything turned out the way it did.

i confessed something to furqan. and the reaction was so amazing. i am so lucky. i just wish that i had never done it so i wouldnt have to confess. but i did and thats done with.

alhamdulillah, i should probably go pray some nafl.

2002-10-11T12:22:00.000-04:00

so tonites the nite. last nite was the nite too, and tomorrow will be the nite too, only the nites of different things.

last nite folks came over and we had a mehndi/dholki. twas soooo much fun. so i didnt act like a bride...who cares?! i had fun! a whole lotta fun! and im going to remember last nite till...i forget it.

tonite is the engagement party. i have to go to the salon lady @ 5 30 and sheel do my makeup hair and dupatta.

tomorrow nite is a follow-up engagement type thing. i have no idea what happens tomorrow. i just hope i can be normal...

bugger! (more bridget jones...im reading the sequel now) it four -thirty, i have to get ready. ai, i dont want to. its toooo hot to wear makeup...*annoyed expression*

2002-10-10T08:42:00.000-04:00

the time has come for me to.....
....break out my sweaters.

it isnt fair! i wanted things to stay warm and nice and sunny and HOT!

but last nite i went to sleep wearing a pair of jeans and my favorite big black shapeless sweater cuz it was soooo cold.

if i turned up the thermostat, my mom would wonder aloud if i was insane, turn back down the thermostat and tell me to go put on some socks. and then wed get into a discussion on why i have no socks. and then my mom would look at me and wonder what went so wrong in the gene pool that i cant stand to wear socks?

bloody hell, (more bridget jones), i forgot to send malika a card for her birthday. we decided we wouldnt get each other presents but i feel really bad about the card thing. so i have to send her a card and in case she feels bad heres a big

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

to her.

i should be cleaning my mummys bathroom but i had to get online and blab first. i mite not get time later this weekend. *sad face*

2002-10-09T17:48:00.001-04:00

if the counseling doesnt work, see me. ill provide the gun and the suicide note.

2002-10-09T17:48:00.000-04:00

i started reading Bridget Jones' Diary today. no not an incorrect usage of verbs. i started reading the book and im wondering why i didnt just go out and rent the movie.

its really really interesting. and i love the whole britishness that pervades the book. im already trying to talk like her and i cant wait to see the movie.

from what ive gathered so far, shes a 32 yr single woman, whose in love with her boss and hates being single.

when im 32, ill probably be worrying about my teenager and my other kids and my first white hair.
yet, according to my mom pplz would kill to be in my position.

for all those of u who would kill to be in my position, seek counseling. FAST. ur too young to be senile.

2002-10-05T20:40:00.000-04:00

i swear that ugh! i have no friggin idea in hell what to swear that im going to do because i am so god damned pissed off that my thoughts are even focusing properly.

hes cool. in a sense, hes really really cool. and hes nice and funny and smart and he is the guy i want to spend the rest of my life with.

i just dont want the rest of my life to start rite after ramadhan!!!!

i want to have fun. i want to be able to spend more time with my friends so that when i finally do get married i wont have any regrets. im already giving up so much...why must i give up the rest of everything else?

i need prayers. please Allah, just let the marriage be this summer. not december or january or anytime before late june. please please please please please....
ameen.

2002-10-05T17:01:00.000-04:00

its amazing how u can avoid ur thought process. make as much noise as humanly possible, spend all your free time online and in front of the tv and if even that doesnt work, go to sleep or read a book.

who knew that one day man would learn to evade himself?

2002-10-03T19:16:00.000-04:00

i really should stop watching those prime times tv shows where all those pplz have those amazing lives and those seemingly huge problems and all the freedom in the world.

and then they talk about reality tv being a big hit.

bite me.

2002-10-01T20:46:00.000-04:00

hmm

2002-10-01T14:05:00.000-04:00

i got a tagboard! everyone in the world i know with a blog had it and its not like me not to jump the bandwagon (mixed metaphors?)...so i got one too! say sumthin plz...i lub u *grin*

ADDS ON:

ok so my talking section isnt that big anymore...i still gots my tagboard! i want a guestmap too, which i will get eventually inshallah! so newayz...till then talk to me on my comments & tagboard...

2002-09-30T11:51:00.000-04:00

i went to the masjid the other day because there was this great lecture by sheikh mukhtar on why youth matters. it was an amazing lecture mashallah and i hope that ive taken something from it.

so i met my friend sadia while i was there. we only got to talk for a couple of mins and the conversation goes as follows:

ME: hey!
her: hi! where are u going next year?
ME: huh?
her: for college?
ME: *confused* *thinks* oh. im moving. to texas
her: *dumfounded* what?!
ME: ya im getting married.
her: *dumfounded* what?! how did this happen?!?!?!
ME: well...uhh...
her: u know what? i gotta go. im going to call u. bye!
ME: bye...

things arent as fun as i thought they would be...

2002-09-28T10:21:00.000-04:00

i had the weirdest dreams last nite. in one we went to see this broken down house somewhere in pakistan and it was huge. if anyone thinks they have nice houses in the US, uve had a serious misconception. the nicest houses are of course in pakistan. and since the roofs are flat u can actually hang out on them.

so continuing on the with the dream, the house was being built/repaired. and we walked around upstairs. and apparently the upstairs was huge and gorgeous with marble floors and amazing closets and everything and there was this huge place where the lawns were and i just remember thinking, even while dreaming that this is the house i want. more than anything in the world, this gorgeous house is the one i want. thats all i remember.

my other dream was in some weird place. im not sure where i was. and there was this lady who was talking about life and how it had no real meaning and to achieve wealth and success and fame was no big thing. she said believe in God because He has real meaning and the life after is eternal. and i remember crying in my dream. i feel so guilty for not trying harder to be a better person. and i should try. who knows how long my life is meant to be? and whats the use of houses and money and clothing, if your dead?

2002-09-26T19:53:00.000-04:00

i feel like theres going to be a 3 o'clock tonite. i know technically that theres a 3 o'clock every nite, but todays will be more obvious. today it will be more in my face, reminding me as everytime the clock ticks that its still there and that its mocking and laughing at me and that it knows my secrets and that my issues seem trivial to it.

i know that i will lie awake tonite thinking about everyone of those questions that was asked of me today and that for everyone of those questions ill find a decent, even GOOD answer, but of course 3 a.m. will know the truth. it will know my doubts and fears and regrets. and it will know that i have no rite to sleep, for with sleep come dreams and i have no rite to dream. not even to the extent of having a nightmare, because when nightmares are ur reality, what inexistence can scare u?

they were rite. i shouldnt have talked to her. but her questions were logical. they were the questions i should have asked myself. the questions i didnt know needed an answer till now. and the questions that will give 3 o'clock tonite the right to torture me in whichever way it pleases.

2002-09-26T12:59:00.000-04:00

apparently i am my fiance's fianceE. for females, theres an added 'E'.

the wonders of dictionary.com.

2002-09-25T16:43:00.000-04:00

i got really really scared today! did u know that apparently google links u by ur email address? and everything else that keeps u from fading into anonymity online?

apparently no one told me THAT. hence, there will be some forthcoming changes here and elsewhere. uve been warned.

2002-09-23T19:22:00.000-04:00

discourse on love

how do u know when it IS love? it could alwayz be just an infatuation or a crush...or a curse *grimace*. but theres more than one type of love. like the way u feel about ur mummy and daddy and sibs and friends and shoes. and of course Allah, and ones faith. so technically u can fall in love more than once rite? technically? so moving on to more important things...what is love? Obsession? Delusion? Distraction?

this is waaaaay too confusing.

for this reason, im just going to say that i really LIKE my fiance.

2002-09-21T12:43:00.000-04:00

i was going to say i was mad, but im not really. i am actually violently pissed off.

supposing u know someone for a really really long time and u trust them with everything, is it really neccessary for u to remind them every second not to tell pplz ur secrets? and the one time u dont tell, they tell other ppl?

i really didnt want other ppl to know this. i only told her, because i was so depressed and i needed an outlet. i guess this i my fault. i shouldnt have trusted her @ all. i mean, if someone other than u knows it, its not a secret anymore is it?

2002-09-18T11:48:00.000-04:00

If you want to be hated in a seaside community, go into one of their craft shops and look around at ships-in-a-bottle for an hour. Ask a lot of questions. Then, tell the help, "I really love this one. I'd like to buy it. So, can you take it out of the bottle?"

They say karma is a boomerang.------
You know what else is a boomerang?
A boomerang.

The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

I think, therefore, I am... not related to you.

You know you've spent too much time on the computer when you spill milk and the first thing you think is, 'edit, undo.' (for this blog!!!)

"I don't question YOUR existence." - God

Jesus loves you. Then again, so does Barney.

for more weird sayings go to (where else?) julius sharpe . or....coolsig
awww this is soooooooo darn cute...

                      __\/__

                  . / ^ _ \ .

                  |\| (o)(o) |/|

#----------------.OOOo--oo--oOOO.-----------#

#                                           #

#                                           #

#                                           #

#_________________________Oooo._____________#

                  .oooO   (   )

                  (   )    ) /

                   \ (    (_/

                    \_)

for more keyboard art...go here

2002-09-18T11:30:00.000-04:00

America is more obese than other nations. It's not our fault other nations are shallow and all they care about is appearance.
America has a really good personality.

If you want to be hated in a seaside community, go into one of their craft shops and look around at ships-in-a-bottle for an hour. Ask a lot of questions. Then, tell the help, "I really love this one. I'd like to buy it. So, can you take it out of the bottle?"

They say karma is a boomerang.------
You know what else is a boomerang?
A boomerang.

awww this is soooooooo darn cute...

\ ( (_/
\_)

2002-09-16T20:15:00.000-04:00

possibilities

ok heres a list of possible qs that i can ask or that may be asked of me...

1. how was pakistan?
2. how was ur flight?
3. did u have fun in pakistan?
4. what do u do in ur free time?
5. hobbies?
6. do u want to go to college?
7. what do u think of (name of city)?
8. so how would u feel living away from you parents and family?

ai! im screwed, but techinically it would be a relief if it didnt work, it would be fun if it did. so hmmm...wutever.

2002-09-15T19:38:00.000-04:00

she blabs on

ok how the hell am i going to be a good wife? i mean i still like watching arthur and i sigh over beauty and the beast. STILL.

so im freaked out about that. and it doesnt help that pplz are calling me stupid! im not im not im not. so there.

and technically i shouldnt be freaked out yet, rite? but im still worried.

and dont u have to be gorgeous to be a bride? and smart? and sophisticated? and ENGAGED? lol.

im freaking out over nothing.

inshallah the best will happen. and maybe im stupid. but inshallah ill NEVER call anyone that. so there :P

2002-09-12T15:00:00.000-04:00

incoherent moi

my mummys downstairs watching a movie, so rite now im messing around online...life IS good :)

i went grocery shopping this morning and for some reason i had a lot of fun. i got my signature swiss rolls from publix and found some really cool oods and ends at my local dollar store. who knew? AND i also got thomas hardys The Well Beloved. i dunno why i got that. his books are way too morbid for me, but who can control impulse purchases?

im semi nervous bout next week, but inshallah it will all work out for the best.

malika and i are having birthdays soon. and since our bdays are so close together, were having a joint birthday party...and were really excited about it. i really really hope nadia can make it...

2002-09-09T19:33:00.000-04:00

sapnas grandfather passed away last night.

i feel sorry for anyone who has ever had to lose a parent. it isnt the easiest thing to go through.

2002-09-07T19:39:00.000-04:00

its strange how u learn lessons in the weirdest places. for instance, the supermarket.

today i realized that it wasnt fair for me to label other people as 'prejudiced' when theyre mean to me because of my scarf, because in a sense im prejudiced too. i realize now that if im a nice person, ppl will be nice to me. its a give and take. not a take and give. and im sorry it took me this long to realize that.

2002-09-06T19:40:00.000-04:00

i tried to post the mood "wondering" into imood but they didnt let me do that. apparently, its not an imood mood.

but what about my moods?

2002-09-04T21:21:00.000-04:00

ok i love this...
i love the new template (thanx for the idea sal and asma even though u both dissed my old one...). but no hard feelings because i love the new look.
no more issues with my posts or archives (except the way they show up on the page).

but i really need to get rid of the minor bugs and i should get that done soon as soon as one of u gets online!

2002-09-04T20:01:00.000-04:00

lets try this again...

2002-09-04T19:59:00.000-04:00

testing...

2002-09-03T20:26:00.000-04:00

i found this really hilarious blog while being bored online.

check it out...its also in my links to other blogs.

2002-09-02T22:29:00.000-04:00

i was so happy go lucky all of 5 mins ago.
and then i talk to pplz and i realize what a idiot i am.

lists of things that are wrong w/ me...
1. self centered
2. lazy
3. scared of the dark
4. unislamic
5. devoid of feeling
6. stupid
7. this list is unending.

and i shouldnt care what pplz think. and i should learn to get over my mistakes because i cant take them back and theres no use in going over them every second. and i cant change myself for other pplz.

if i know all of the above, so why do i feel so blah ?

What is your Alter-Ego
Personality?

2002-09-01T19:43:00.000-04:00

ok so im sitting here on the computer surfing the web and lo and behold! what do u i find? my mummys credit card sitting directly in front of me, just as im clicking around on an intriguing ebay search.

it was way too tempting, but i managed to control myself. high morals and all that.

of course, i felt really stupid when i actually LOOKED at the card and found out it expired 2 months ago. but its the thought that counts rite?

2002-08-30T12:03:00.000-04:00

Har baar jo toota hai to baarya yei kehta hai
Jagtee aankhon mai yoon na sapnai sajaaya karo.

Dard ki yai lehar uthnai lagti hai kyoon
Yoon na khwabon ko apnai bikhar nai diya karo.

khood mein hi kami hai, kiya qismat ko kostai ho
Jagtai mein soch kar baat ham sai kiya karo.

Saraab kai peechai kab tak yoon bhagtai raho gai
Khwabon kai jazeerai par sahil na dhoonda karo.

Tootai hoai tookron ko kab tak yoon samait-tee raho gee
Khwabon ko yoon naa haqiqat maan liya karo.

translated from above:

'Everytime it breaks, 'again' is what it says,
Dont furnish your dreams with wakening eyes.

Why does this wave of pain wash ashore?
Dont let your dreams break apart like this.

Why do you blame fate when the fault is in yourself,
While awake think before you speak to me.

How long will you chase after a mirage --
Dont look for escape on an island of dreams.

How long will you continue to gather broken pieces?
Dont imagine your dreams to be reality.'

2002-08-28T21:50:00.000-04:00

oh the horror

today was in a sense a very very productive day.

i cooked and cleaned and made the kitchen look amazing. i took a nice long bath and got squeaky clean. i gave myself a manicure, went out for dinner with my family (for my dads b-day) and i did billions of other things.

basically i did everything but my schoolwork.

*LOUD GROAN*

but tomorrow ill be good and do all of it.
if only i could keep my resolutions...

2002-08-27T13:52:00.000-04:00

mmmm

so im not sure whats going to happen but im pretty sure i can solve this. all they gotta do is listen to me (which inshallah they will) and im all set!

pray for me.

until then im trying to make changes to my blog...

2002-08-26T19:08:00.000-04:00

HYPERVENTILATION

i think im almost decided about dropping out of school. i cant take the pressure. its weird the anxiety attacks im getting. i never used to be like this before. i used to be outgoing and unscared of anything, but not now for some reason.

plus im having trouble understanding my istikhara.

but im glad my parents gave me an open choice. and im glad that im able to make it and i have an idea that what im doing is for the best. so im glad and i i know now that graduation isnt that important to me anymore. whats important to me is to be comfortable in my surroundings.

2002-08-24T10:18:00.000-04:00

ok im trying new stuff

ive been checking out other pplz blogs and theyre so beyond cool looking and theres mine thats just *ick*

so for the hell of it im working on some stuff to see if it works...

ok that didnt work...but i got up a really nice looking X rite? and when u click it, it links u to my page that used to look a lot better. i wonder what happened...

so does anyone know how to put up images? if u do plz help...

2002-08-24T09:52:00.000-04:00

*under construction*

2002-08-24T09:22:00.000-04:00

its funny how when ur in a bad mood and u wish for something thinking that it prolly wont come true but then it does in one of those strange childrens storybook ways.

i worry about my mom these days. shes depressed beyond belief and i just cant find a way to make her feel better. because she needs to feel better. i cant look at my mother crying without starting to cry myself. and i know the whole thing about giving a person time but should its be like this before that time period ends?

pray for my mother plz.

2002-08-23T21:13:00.000-04:00

ok i have that heavy heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach and ive only had this feeling twice before but never like this.

i should have looked! but i didnt! stupid stupid! i was embarrassed though.

hmm...wonder whatll happen.

2002-08-21T19:36:00.000-04:00

its weird u know. how for so long things just stand still barely changing, barely moving. and then, BAM! suddenly it all explodes. All of it. and theres this dread that the worst is yet to come.

and the thing is that none of it is so bad as i think it is. or at least other pplz wouldnt think so. and God never gives us more hardship than we can bear. then why is it so unbearable?

my bros going to live on campus. i dont want him to. im unbearably possessive about those i love and i hate letting go in any way. and it bugs my mom beyond belief that hes leaving. i keep feeling like shes been through enough. i want her to be happy. like she was this summer with her family. and i dont have the power to give her that though i wish i did.

my parents want me to go to school. and i get this sinking feeling in my stomach everytime i think about it. im very apprehensive and im freaking out. kinda like a panic attack without the hyperventilating. ive always been shy and introverted but usually im able to shake it off. but i cant this time.

i want everything to stay the same. EVERYTHING.

but most of all i want my grandmother back. and no one can give that to me.

2002-08-19T21:13:00.000-04:00

so im back from pakiland (as one of my old friends insisted on calling it). and things arent as great as i thought theyd be.

my grandmother died this monday. and i was at the hospital at 3 in the morning when it happened. ACTUALLY i got there 2 mins after it happened. and how did i find out? i heard my uncle talking about making arrangements @ the graveyard. i hate that word. graveyard. a place for dead people. where theyre buried. like they never existed. kinda like a city dump only everyones too nice to mention the similarity.

i didnt expect that to happen. i swore to God that id be a better person if she got better. and i worried about how id do that. i never thought that i wouldnt need to fulfill my part of the deal.

so thats it huh? her whole life was lived for the soul purpose of being put 6 feet underground?

forgive me if i sound morbid.
things do that to u.

2002-07-28T12:17:00.000-04:00

ok its been more than 2 months since ive been away from home (as i insist on calling it, even though i was born here). i dont miss it as much anymore and my cousins are amazing and ive had a lot of fun so far. tonite im spending the nite at my fave cousins place (so i got to check my email (finally!!!). newayz time to give messages to those i cant email...

afshan, i miss u insanely & nadia , if ur reading this i miss u too.and i cant email which is annoying cuz i barely have time. i should be back soon with a bunch of news...

apparently my moms got marriage on the brain like everyone else. i tried telling her i was only 16 but i think she forgot. i tried telling her that i wanted to finish my education first and have a little fun. apparently she thinks marriage is an education and is as much fun as u can have (dont ask).

lol. nothing else. ill rite a whole loooong detail when i get back. my regular journal is pretty full though.
sry for the typing errors.

2002-05-25T08:54:00.000-04:00

ok so here i am in pakistan. im sitting on my cousins computer writing emails to pplz.

im proud of myself. im not feeling as stupidly depressed as i was when i got here. i know i freaked out my mom cuz i was sad and she even offered to go home early if i so desired.

i definitely scared my cousins cuz im the modern amrikin girl in their eyes and i wasnt before.

i havent been getting much sleep. ive been sleeping 2-3 hrs everyday for the past few nites.

i miss my dad insanely and i really really want him to come here. i miss my friends to and atlanta but i dont want to go back just yet. i have way too much to do here.

and maybe ill actually get to like it here.

2002-05-20T21:52:00.000-04:00

today was an eventful day. this morning seems so long ago.

i dont remember new york which bugs me. but when we went on the highway i remember old streets and old places but theyre not like i thought they were.

i know todays my first day away from home, but im kinda homesick. already, lol. i dont like new york at all anymore. and i want to go home. i told my dad that and i think he was laughing at me.

well tomorrows another day, God knows how ill feel about this then. as nice as my uncle is, i doubt ill be comfortable until we leave here and go to paki.

2002-05-19T22:13:00.000-04:00

im going to ny early tomorrow morning.

i leave for paki later this week.

2002-05-18T20:03:00.000-04:00

i saw fatimas house today. i really really like it.

all my friends are going through this whole sad thing and i have no idea how to make them feel better. im not very good at understanding where pplz are coming from until i have to go through the same thing.

were done packing, i think. we keep finding more things to add. i remember the last time i went i had my cousins laughing at me cuz i brought so much deodarant...how was i supposed to know they sell it there???

next week at this time ill be in paki.

2002-05-17T19:48:00.000-04:00

my legs hurt, my blog STILL isnt working and i only have a few more days of american freedom left. ill even miss the last episodes of felicity...

o well im not complaining. today was so much fun. hung out at malikas for awhile and went out with her in her car (she drove). ya i know not so big a deal, but it is when ur young and are only learning to be wild. maybe next time ill drive and well go PAST the gas station.

then i went over to faizas and watched movies and ate burger king (no mcdonalds, see?) and hung out there.

then i came home and my legs hurt.

im still dreading going to paki though...

2002-05-15T19:41:00.000-04:00

i know that comparatively (sp?) my life is a lot better than other pplz. that other ppl have to undergo so much suffering and that ive been very blessed. COMPARATIVELY.