Monday, December 30, 2002

i had no time to breathe today. what with cleaning and other stuff...im really hoping i can blog properly today cuz im not sure when ill next be able to...

my aunt and uncle and their 2 kids are flying into town today (well technically theyre already here, just not @ my house yet)...tomorrow nite my aunt and uncle from new york are flying in...my house is going to be LOUD! theyre all here for the wedding...

my daddy put up lites outside the house last nite as a celebration for the wedding...he put them up after christmas so it wouldnt seem like we were celebrating it...

ive started biting my lip again. i dunno why it is that @ a time when i need to be losing my bad habits, im regaining them.

im very nervous about so many things and i guess it's just best that im so busy. i cant think about it and the time passes by and hopefully later ill realize there was nothing to be nervous about in the first place.

i just burnt my hand...i was ironing and the iron fell on it. it was there for a split second, but it was really hot and im afraid it may leave a mark. normally i wouldnt care, but normally my hands arent on display for the whole world to see. o well, even if it does leave a mark, hopefully the mehndi will cover it. it was really funny though when my mom told my aunt and she said "hai Allah".

im debating on whether or whether not to invite this one girl to the wedding. shes been very rude to me the last few times weve met and were not exactly close. but i feel really guilty about not inviting her. so i guess im going to go ahead and do it...ill have to talk to my mom about it first.

apparently my fiance is planning some pranks for the wedding and the mehndi...i need to think up some counter pranks, but my mind @ this moment is absolutely blank...all i can think about is the warm feeling of my bed and the way my head feels against the pillow...and seeing as how i havent seen my aunt for 5 yrs, i prolly wont be able to go to sleep till late tonite. and he still hasnt emailed me! watch him and me have a fite on friday...

my friends are great. im very lucky to have them. every time we talk we have so much fun and its great that im so close to them that i can tell them anything...theyve given me some great memories and ive seen pplz who have barely any friends @ all which makes me even more grateful.

i talked to aesha for 2 brief seconds on sat...she seems very happy alhamdulillah. she deserves it. may Allah give her all the happiness and love in the world. Ameen. - i just hope i get to talk to her before the wedding, inshallah. i have yet to send her the letter i wrote...im pretty lazy when it comes to correspondence...but inshallah ill keep in touch with all u alls *grin*.

ok, i think that pretty much covers my life story. im done blabbing and they arent even here yet. how kewlest!

Tuesday, December 24, 2002

so im learning goodish habits. actually im forcefeeding them to myself but its about time i learnt these habits.

and ive learnt to hide the way i really am too. im not saying to be hypocritical, im saying im learning that being myself isnt such a good thing and its about time i was someone else. and since i cant change myself, i mite as well change the way i appear to be. the childishness has to got to go. in with maturity and chic.

so im learning to sit demurely (the whole legs crossed, back straight, yada yada yada)...no more sprawled over the couch, cooking, cleaning, driving, & giving importance to things that dont mean much except in worldly eyes...

i feel sick inside. none of it was supposed to be this way. but it is. and i cant change it. so i may as well change myself and take the rest of the trials with my back straight, legs crossed...apparently it doesnt hit as hard then.

Sunday, December 22, 2002

this girl i know called me last nite and told me she was getting a divorce from her husband. im very very grateful to her for doing that, because as she knows its about 2 weeks to my wedding and now im freaked out beyond belief.

why would anyone do that? call me at this point in my life and dis her husband and talk about what a horrible person he is...so thanx for that gurl. really, thanx.

Thursday, December 19, 2002

i need to get over myself and open my eyes and see whats really important. forget the petty issues, leave behind the paltry substances and pay attention to what truly requires my thoughts.

so what if someone said something and another said something else? just because they said it doesnt make it true rite? so it wasnt justified. not much in this world is. let them talk. the second i listen is the second it becomes more than trivial.

the only reason i cant get over it is my pride. and what is pride? a fading, fleeting object. i havent created the world. i have no rite, no reason to be proud. i need to get over myself. theres no way im going to become the person or the Muslim i wanna be if i cant get over this.

so forgive and forget. move on. it didnt happen. and if it did, use it as a learning experience, not a stepping stone to world war 3. thats what i need. i need to learn to forget. i need to learn to forgive. ive made a dozen billion mistakes and done things a thousand times worse (not neccessarily to the pplz in qs, but what difference does that make)?
its been forgiven, its been forgotten. now why cant i do the same?

Wednesday, December 18, 2002

so none of what was supposed to be is or will. so it isnt the way i planned it. so all i wanted there wont be. big deal. it doesnt make a difference. i dont care. i really really really dont.






really.

Tuesday, December 17, 2002

i lost a great friend recently. i have no idea what im going to do now. theres no replacement for a jawclip like that.
but alas

ashes to ashes,
dust to dust.
we bury only
the upper crust.

may Allah find you peace and happiness, little one. Ameen.

i cant believe what i learned today. i feel so sick just thinking about it. and its just so horrible to realize that that very easily could have been ME. its amazing what blessings u r given even when they seems like such trials.

theres such a void surrounding me these days. and it just seems to be getting bigger and bigger. im not sure where i am or where i belong, even amongst friends. this is the time when they should be here constantly and yet...the dramatic hanging up in my face is getting old. fast. but to quoth the raven, im leaving, so what difference does it make?

it hurts knowing that im leaving my family, my home and my friends and everything ive ever known. i was living in an ice cube for so long i never paid attention and now thats its melting...God it hurts. its hurts so bad.

thank God for aesha though. i dont know what id do without her. expecially as the blanks just seems to grow wider and wider sucking me within.